Foster mom says she's glad her 9-month-old foster daughter is an orphan so she'll be easier to adopt in front of the babies 14-year-old sister: 'It's so nice to adopt babies. That way they're not all messed up and disobedient later on'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Dec 14, 2024 12:00 PM EST

There is something extremely nefarious about fostering young children for the explicit purpose of growing your family. It is one thing to be transparently trying to adopt a young child, going to an adoption agency, or fostering kids with integrity and adopting kids you foster because it's the right thing for them, but taking on the role of caregiver and getting paid for it for self-motivated reasons leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Often, adoptive parents want kids who don't have the baggage of remembering their parents. However, most of them do not say the quiet part out loud in terms of wanting babies who are easier to accept into their families than older kids and teenagers who come with a ton of trauma and issues. One foster mother of 2 young children did say the quiet part out loud and even said that she was glad these children were orphans so they'd be easier to adopt. She said that horrendous thing in front of the kid's 14-year-old sister, who was obviously devasted by her nefarious motivations. 

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    via Daiga Ellaby (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    AITA for going off on my sister's (9mo) foster mom after she celebrated the fact that she's now am orphan? (14F)
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    For context, I raised most of my 6 siblings, and we all got put into foster care in Oct. Back at the very start of Nov, my youngest 2 siblings were placed with them. The visits were every other week at the start, and at the first one I showed up having not seen them in two weeks. When they arrived the youngest of the 2 (9 months now), was asleep in her car seat.
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    She insisted that I shouldn't wake her, despite only having an hour. I woke her up to interact and the three of us just read books together on the chair, just general interaction; no fussing or anything happening but she was
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    glaring at me the whole time. A few days later, on an unmandated visit the 9mo shows up asleep again. I wake her up, all 7 of us hang out, and then I give her back.
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    Two hours after returning home she messages the foster family I was with at the time and makes them talk to me about not waking up the baby. I told them. hl. That night I she could
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    texted her about how she would never be my sisters' mother. I deleted it and apologized the morning after, but it was pretty nasty and 6 paragraphs.
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    Fast forward a little bit and my mother ends up committing su!c!de. Because of this, we were granted weekly visits instead. Days after, we had a visit and this woman was ecstatic. My siblings and I were there, the older few of us just dumbfounded by all that's
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    happened and there she was smiling. This time she came with the baby in a carrier, so I couldn't really just take her out. After 10 minutes I went up and asked to hold her. She replied that I couldn't right now, despite that fact that the baby was awake. I asked her at 4 times before the visit ended.
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    I managed to not lose it, but on the next visit she shows up gushing to all the other foster parents about how she and her husband are so lucky to get orphans on only her third placement. I didn't day anything but that ticked me off. I had just
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    switched my own placements and my foster moms didn't know. about the previous incident. During yesterday's visit She kept talking the same way, saying things like "Its sad she did and all, but you know, I've always wanted to have kids" and "Its so nice to adopt babies, you know?
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    That way they're not all messed up and disobedient later on. Especially when you won't have to deal with their bio parents." I don't know if its just me, but that in combination with everything leading up to it just set it OFF.
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    At the end of the visit when it was just my 9 year old brother, me, my foster moms, my brother's foster mom, and her, (her husband took the kids to the car while she was hanging back to talk a minute longer with the other moms) I did not hold back, screaming at her for a good four
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    or five minutes about: She isn't a saint, To never mention my parents like that, She will never be a real mom to my siblings and just generally f you. She looked genuinely upset and today my therapist suggested that I might have blown it out of proportion because of pent-up anger from other things.
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    Clean_Factor9673 • 19h ago Ah le Enthusiast [7] Top 1% Commenter You need to talk to your worker about how inappropriate this woman is starting from not wanting you to wake your sibling, wouldn't let you hold sibling, rejoiced that she's caring for orphans, snapped about disobedient children. Everything.
    via Clean_Factor9673
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    She's not an appropriate placement as she's made it clear she wants your siblings and won't want to allow you to see them. I'm so sorry about this.
    via Clean_Factor9673
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    Pokeynono I agree the foster mother is not appropriate for the baby's other family members. If the foster carer does get the option to adopt she will most likely promise the other children can remain in contact and then find ways to prevent visits and eventually claim it's harmful and disruptive for the baby to see her siblings
    via Pokeynono
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    SamRhage That therapist also needs a good wake-up slap. Out of proportion my
    via SamRhage
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    Mhorv4 A person who would tell a 14 year kid that they're happy the kid's mother committed suicide because they now get to adopt their siblings (while separating them from the kid) does not have the emotional maturity to raise children. She has no empathy and is completely self-centered. She will be a horrible parent.
    via Mhorv4
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    hyperfixmum ⚫19h ago • Edited 16h ago Part ipant [1] ΝΤΑ I was a foster youth and am now a licensed foster parent. You did not blow it out of proportion. That is a complete normal and expected response from a child who was a primary caregiver and raised her siblings, who is dealing with the trauma of the loss of their parent, separation from siblings and just total life chaos. Who cares about this foster mom's emotions.
    via hyperfixmum
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    She is purposefully having the baby in a carrier to avoid family bonding. She is celebrating trauma and the biggest heartbreak. And your younger baby siblings will have unseen trauma. Your baby siblings know the sound of YOUR voice, your smell and they knew your heartbeat when they laid on you...I'm so angry for you.
    via hyperfixmum
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    You should write up a statement at school, detail the sequence of events and try to stay factual. You should email this to your Case Manager and CC your siblings' Case Manager if they are different, CC GALs. In the statement, detail that you are concerned that your siblings' foster parents slipped through the part of training and licensing where reunification is the goal with ANY bio family member and you were horrified that she was openly excited after your mothers death, as it seems she's hope
    via hyperfixmum
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    has said and done. Say you want this documented in the case file and you want to be present to speak to the judge at any hearings regarding terminating parental rights. Ask if you have a GAL. You need to become bff with your GAL and the goal should be to have your younger siblings moved to a new foster placement. The goal is to have foster parents or adoptive parents of every sibling on the same page
    via hyperfixmum
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    about keeping your ties and visitation as much as possible. Tell your new placement the steps you are taking and that you are VERY concerned this foster mom will not keep familial ties and sibling visitations if they adopted, also say that it's a concern how she is not "trauma informed". If you can get your foster placement to realize this she may also speak up and verify what's been said.
    via hyperfixmum
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    Feel free to DM if you want to escalate it further and need directions on how. I want to say, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you lost your mom this way and you have had to become the strong one in the family to try and protect everyone. I'm sorry you just can't be a teenager. I want you to know the anger won't always be there but you have a right to that anger. Please visit r/momforaminute if you need an encouraging word.
    via hyperfixmum
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    Sad_Dog_5289 OP I called my caseworker and I'm currently forming an email cc'ing everyone who's connected to the case :) thank you for the outline!
    via Sad_Dog_5289
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    every1remaincalm NTA - You are a child in mourning and this woman is a predatory ghoul. I can't imagine saying things like that outloud at all, let alone in front of you... That's actually evil and crazy. I would talk to whoever oversees you and your sibling's foster placements... a social worker? CPS agent? I'm sorry I'm not very familiar with the process. I think it's very likely that this person will alienate your little siblings from their remaining bl d family, including you, if she's permi
    via every1remaincalm
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    lemon_charlie That whole thing about OP's sister always being asleep for visits so OP can't spend time with her during the visitation window? That's part of it. Fostering should ideally be about giving stability to a kid in need of it, not for you to shop around for your perfect family.
    via lemon_charlie
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    SchrodingersRedditor NTA - as a former foster parent in an extremely messed up case, the top thing on my mind was being sensitive to the trauma that the kids had been through, and indeed were still going through by being separated from each other and their utterly rotten parents. Because for even as bad as their parents were, they were still all they knew and now they had to live with strangers while their dad was locked up for a very, very long time and their mom was convicted to lesser charges
    via SchrodingersRedditor
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    That woman is abhorrent. That's your sister. That's your family. She thinks this is just a fun way to get to adopt a baby, as if she can just try them on for size and then put them back on the conveyor belt until she finds the right one. How utterly loathsome. Hopefully your fosters/worker can help you with this, and I suggest you try. Stay strong and don't stop fighting for your family.
    via SchrodingersRedditor
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    Sad_Dog_5289 OP Alright just to clarify, I hate my mom too. Like, she was horrible, I just don't like this woman saying that so weirdly. I mean, I love the idea of my mom, just not her herself. (a bit complicated but not the point) I just called my caseworker and explained what happened, and her response was: a.) I'll come by tomorrow to talk b.) I'm sorry you're feeling this way c.) Please stop calling me in the middle of the night (not the first time this has happened)
    via Sad_Dog_5289

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orphan adoption crazy things parents say siblings foster bad parenting bad parents parenting orphans fosters family foster parents sibling Parenting Fail fostering
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